When Your Family Hates Your Politics | Advice For Black Sheep

Trump hatred at sister's wedding & Thanksgiving with Branch COVIDians

EDITORS’ NOTE: Welcome to the first edition of our new advice column! We’re thrilled to announce that Reid Newton, a previous contributor to The Black Sheep, will be joining the team as our resident problem-solver. To take advantage of Reid’s sage-like wisdom, we have asked Reid her first two questions, but starting next edition she’ll be answering yours! Has your black sheep attitude put you in a thorny situation? Tell Reid your story and send her your question at submit@wetheblacksheep.com

— Salomé Sibonex & Joseph (Jake) Klein

It was the day before my sister’s wedding. I was at the hotel’s restaurant eating breakfast with the wedding party when an aunt decided to bring up the topic of Trump. I calmly and patiently listened as she speculated if Trump voters were driven more by idiocy or hatred. Unbeknownst to her, I voted for Trump.

Once upon a time, I would’ve tried to shift the conversation for the sake of keeping the peace. But I’ve become sick of silencing my own views while my family makes no such effort. This time, I spoke up: “It sounds like the Trump voter you’re speculating about isn’t worried about immigration because they’re racist, but because they’ve seen information suggesting our government is failing to discern between criminal and upstanding immigrants. Isn’t that a fair concern, considering most countries have such policies of discernment?”

Cue the tension. My interjection was met with a half-hearted attempt to acknowledge my point, followed by a slew of added anecdotes used to conclude that all such concerns about immigration are truly driven by racism. From there, I was talked over as the conversation devolved into an anti-Trump voter back-patting party.

My family members are genuinely good people who treat me well, so maintaining my relationship with them is my top priority. They’ve been manipulated by the media into adopting divisive, illiberal ideas they mistake for compassion. I’m often put in positions where everyone feels free to speak their views except for me. I don’t want to bite my tongue while I listen to my family espouse ideas I think are destructive, but they often get tense, upset, and even combative if I disagree.

How do I navigate situations where disagreement is often unwelcome? I want to prioritize my relationships, but I don’t want to sacrifice my integrity and self-expression to do so.

— Salomé; Age 33; Washington, DC

Dear Salomé, 

Boundaries are trending right now—and as a result we’ve seen some people take this to the extreme—cutting off friends, family members, etc. due to differing beliefs. It’s awesome that you are actively trying to choose connection. I remember vividly when I had my own political awakening, this combustible feeling I would get whenever a room of my friends started spouting the familiar talking points. It was like I was a MMA fighter who wasn’t being allowed in the ring. I wanted so badly to express my thoughts and beliefs, but every time I would try, I would be shut down in a way similar to what you’re describing. I’ve followed your work for years now, and know that you have helped countless people come to their senses and choose a less divisive path. Ironically, it’s often easier to convince strangers than our own families. Back to boundaries. It sounds like your family is pretty close-knit, which makes this harder, but not impossible. 

Next time, rather than leaning into the impulse to rebut or engage in delicate pushback, why not lay your cards on the table? Tell your family you feel unwelcome—singled out as the only one not welcome to express themselves—that you love them and want to spend time with them, but in the future, you’re probably going to choose to actively opt out of these conversations. Then politely excuse yourself to get a refill of your drink or take a walk. They might be shocked. They might talk shit. People usually resort to this when you first establish a boundary. It’ll likely make the discomfort worse for a while. They might label you as dramatic. But you’re putting in the work now for family gatherings to be enjoyable later. As Dr. John Delony always says, “Conflict deferred is conflict amplified.” Every time you choose to opt-out, I would look them in the eye and tell them you love them. I think that’s the only way to keep your dignity while salvaging the connection in this current moment. You’re giving them a road map to choosing connection over confrontation by being direct and honest. Regardless of their thoughts about your positions, I doubt any of them actively want to make you feel unwelcome. Start with being honest with how it makes you feel, and go from there. You never know, you might be pleasantly surprised. 

The other option, which I have chosen in my own life, is to separate church and state. I lean into my work and get all of that energy out from 9-5 PM. I let myself argue with whomever I want to and say exactly what I believe and feel. I’m recklessly honest in my work. Then when I’m with friends and family I feel less inclined to go to war, but I know I’m walking honestly through life, and loving my people regardless of their flawed logic. I can still hold my head high. I either gently change the subject, take a bathroom break, or listen with curiosity even if I disagree. Sometimes I ask questions. But since I’m rooted in the fact that I show up professionally every day to promote what I believe in, I don’t find it as necessary with those I love most. I just focus on the loving part. 

Those are the two options I would recommend, Reader, the choice is yours. Keep choosing connection, even when it’s hard. It’s always worth it.

I had a great Thanksgiving with my family, until the final few minutes… Just as I was about to leave, my uncle, a pediatric cardiologist, began speaking with my cousins about his take on the COVID pandemic. Speaking from his perspective as a doctor, my uncle expressed frustration that during the pandemic, many of his long-time patients' families, who had trusted him with their medical needs for years, refused to wear masks around him and referred to COVID as a “hoax.” In his view, they had fallen prey to misinformation and conspiracy theories.

My father is also a doctor, and during the pandemic, while he confidently parrotted whatever the official NIH and CDC guidelines were at the time, I was consistently able to accurately predict reversals in those guidelines months in advance by listing to epidemiologists critical of the establishment such as Jay Bhattacharya, Marty Makary, and Vinay Prasad. Neither my father nor uncle are epidemiologists.

I tried to explain to my uncle and cousins that the establishment had lost people's trust not primarily due to “misinformation," but from actively lying about natural immunity, masking, vaccine efficacy, the strategy of focused protection vs. lockdowns, and the NIH's funding of gain-of-function research in Wuhan. I explained that while the pandemic was obviously not a literal hoax, that phrase was often used as a short-hand for these falsehoods.

Despite my attempts to explain this respectfully and factually, it appeared to not be taken as such. My cousins turned quiet and changed the subject while my uncle looked upset and left the room. I don’t know exactly what was going through his head, but I suspect he felt I was just another over-confident non-professional who should have trusted him but wouldn’t, hurting his feelings.

My uncle is a good man and a good doctor, and I want to understand what I should have done differently to have this conversation go better. Complicating all of this is that my aunt, his wife, would not let me see my 93-year-old grandmother during COVID because I wasn’t vaccinated after I already had natural immunity. The vaccine was not yet available to my demographic, and she died of sepsis before I could get it. What’s done is done and to avoid conflict I’ve never mentioned my dismay about this to them, but it eats at me.

– Jake; Age 33; Washington, DC

Dear Jake, 

First of all, my sincere condolences to you for the loss of your grandmother. No one should be denied the opportunity to properly say goodbye to a loved one. I think the answer to your question starts there. There are few quotes that have stuck with me more than one from David Kessler, a well-known grief expert and author. He said, “Grief demands a witness.” I think he is right, and while incredibly difficult, I think you would benefit in the long run from first having an honest conversation with your Aunt and Uncle about how it broke your heart to not be able to hold your grandmother’s hand one last time. You can’t control what their reaction to hearing that will be, but I don’t think the larger conflict stands a chance of being resolved with an elephant that large sitting in the corner of every room you sit in with them. I would focus on how you felt and your experience of grief and loss when you tell them, rather than their tragic mistake to avoid putting them on defense. They were doing the best they could at the time with the information they thought they knew, and it cost you greatly. It’s okay to be sad—angry, even—about that. But try to direct those emotions toward the loss rather than directly at them. Grief demands a witness, friend. And you deserve to tell the truth about how that made you feel. No one can change what happened, but perhaps you can all learn from this moving forward. That underlying “eating at you” feeling will fester beneath all the conversations related to this issue until you say the quiet part out loud. 

Thanksgiving conversations can be fraught, as we all know. I myself have suffered through sitting at a table where everyone around me is calling me an idiot without directly calling me an idiot, if you know what I mean. It hurts, and feels particularly frustrating to feel gagged around those who claim to love you most. In this scenario, however, I would counsel avoiding having those conversations in large groups, particularly large groups where you are the odd one out. Even if that means removing yourself physically from the situation by politely excusing yourself. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should just stay silent and feel like a coward who can’t stand up for your convictions. I just think it’s fruitless in these settings.

Instead, I would try to pull your uncle or cousins aside and begin by asking questions, rather than listing facts to them. You’re factually correct about this issue, and I think the only way to get them to see that (even partially) is to start from a place of curiosity. You might already know why they believe what they do, but allow them a chance to say it. Instead of “They were actively lying about XYZ, here’s why.” Try “Why do you think so many people were distrustful of the information? Is there anything you’ve changed your mind on in retrospect?” Then perhaps give an example of something you once changed your mind on because of newly emerging facts. In essence, choose connection over winning the debate. Like you said, your uncle is a good man. He might never see eye-to-eye with you. It’s super frustrating, Reader, and I know that. But at the end of the day, we can only lead a horse to water. I personally think it’s best that if they refuse to drink, that we keep loving them anyway, and choose to make peace with the fact that your family can and will be wrong. We can only control ourselves and our beliefs. We will inevitably all find ourselves on the “wrong” end of that equation one day, and will hope to be treated with the same courtesy.