Yes, You Do Need A Man (Or Woman). Marriage Is Worth It.

As a gay woman, my right to marry wasn’t always guaranteed, and I don’t take it for granted. Yet young Americans are increasingly being encouraged to stay single.

On November 3rd, 2024, my fiancée Bianca pushed my mom, who has had multiple sclerosis for 28 years, in the New York City Marathon—the largest marathon in the world with over 55,000 participants. 26.2 miles of hard work, the marathon course is notoriously hilly and technical—the roads aren’t perfect either; potholes line much of the race route, and thousands of discarded paper cups and runners surround you as you go. All this to say, it was not an easy task. But it was a life-changing one. For Bianca and my mom especially, but also for me. I got to see my future wife do something for my family that was selfless, difficult, and beautiful. When I met the two of them at the finish line, I saw a light in my mom’s eyes that I hadn’t seen in years. She is no longer just a warrior battling an unforgiving disease—she’s a marathoner. And she’s damn proud of it. I’m pretty sure she is still sleeping with her medal around her neck every night. 

Reid’s mother and fiancée Bianca at the New York City Marathon.

I tell you this not just to brag about my fiancée but to help explain that we’ve been sold a frightening bill of goods about marriage that I refuse to buy into.

My generation (millennials) have long listened to married couples grumble about how hard and unpleasant marriage is or use phrases like “the old ball and chain.” We've witnessed messy divorces and seen couples stick together when they clearly should have parted ways—neither of which seems inspiring. Most of my friends’ parents growing up were divorced. The ones who stayed together offered a bleak view of the covenant to stay with someone until death do you part. 

My grandparents’ generation lived by a “stay together at all costs” mentality. Divorce wasn’t an option due to the cultural norms they adhered to—social pressure, religious beliefs, and a lack of viable alternatives often meant sticking it out, no matter how miserable the marriage became. Then came the baby boomers, who swung hard in the opposite direction. Determined not to replicate their parents' mistakes, boomers embraced divorce, and they did so in droves. Baby boomers hold the highest divorce rates in U.S. history.

It’s no wonder, then, that millennials and Gen Z are trying so hard to free themselves of the tradition altogether. On the one hand, we’ve told young women that they “don’t need no man” (or woman, in my case) while simultaneously encouraging a lust-filled lifestyle—one in which you toss the guy to the side the second it stops being fun, or a challenge arises.

Articles celebrating divorce and questioning the viability of monogamy have flooded not just social media—but mainstream outlets like the New York Times, too. In the words of the New York Times’s Lara Bazelon, divorce is “an act of radical self-love.” We’re told how “liberating” it is and why monogamy is outdated and impractical. But while these approaches might offer temporary relief or perceived liberation from outdated traditions, they fall short in providing what most people truly want: deep connection, stability, and partnership. They provide a seductive justification for giving in to our fear of connection; many of us are simply too afraid to trust, always keeping a hand on the emergency exit lever, or never entering the building to begin with. The metaphorical sign reads: “CAUTION—heartbreak or complacency ahead. Consider staying single or having multiple partners instead. Avoid commitment at all costs. Loving yourself is the most important thing.”

Despite all of the, dare I say it, utter hogwash that’s been thrown our way about the joys of polyamory and putting yourself first, the good news is that my generation now has an opportunity to learn from the successes and failures of our predecessors and discover a better way.

I’m fortunate to have been witness to positive examples of marriage within my own family. My grandfather wrote my grandmother love letters until his hands could no longer hold a pen. When her mind started to go, he would watch reruns of football and baseball games with her, screaming in disbelief as if it was his first, not third, time watching the game with her. He asked her to marry him on their first date. They never spent a night apart for their entire marriage until he passed away. She left shortly after his passing, eager to meet him at heaven’s gates and ready to fist-fight anyone who might try to stand in her way or tell her she wouldn’t recognize him up there. 

My father, too, takes his marriage vows seriously, standing by my mother as she battles her autoimmune disease. As the disease has progressed, my parents’ laughter has grown louder. Sometimes you have to laugh so you don’t cry. According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, a woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis than if a man is the patient. Yet my father is the embodiment of the promise to love “in sickness and in health.” Watching the two of them face it head-on my entire life has been a gift in a lot of ways. Watching him be of service to her in such a devoted, Christ-like way has forever shaped how I treat and will continue to treat Bianca—regardless of our circumstances. 

But these examples are rare. For my peers, marriage hasn’t been modeled as something aspirational. They don’t think it’s worth the risk, the work, or they think it’s “just a piece of paper.” Many have also bought into the statistic that gets thrown around all the time: that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Turns out it isn’t true. But what people believe matters, and impacts whether or not they will give it a shot. 

As a gay woman, I take my right to marry very seriously. It’s a right that wasn’t always guaranteed, and because of that, I don’t take it for granted.

Marriage is the most important decision I’ll ever make. I’m choosing who I want to share hundreds of dinners with, who will be the mother of my children, and who will ultimately inform every decision I make moving forward. I’m choosing the woman who will be pushing me through the marathon that is marriage. I knew what I was doing when I chose Bianca—being madly in love with her is just the cherry on top. My future wife has a surplus of stamina, and I know when times get tough, we’ll share the load of life’s hardships—one foot in front of the other. 

Life is hard. Marriage should be a refuge from the struggles we face—not the struggle itself. We get to choose how we build our marriages. Like any other skill, marriage takes practice and a strong foundation. Being a good partner is something you work at every day. Learning to love being of service to your spouse, to problem solve, to cultivate intimacy when it becomes less natural—these skills can be honed with the right person at your side. When shit hits the fan, what will remain are your habits. If you’re in the habit of serving, loving, and giving grace to your spouse, when life gets hard, that muscle memory kicks in. So yes, marriage takes work. But the more you practice being a good partner, the easier it gets. As I prepare to embark on this next phase of life, I refuse to accept the pessimism that was presented to my generation. We have the choice of whether or not to build a better future for ourselves and our children—one where we choose to get married, stay married, and not be miserable along the way. 

Marriage is worth it. In fact, I would argue that the foundation of our society rests on us restoring and rethinking the institution.

Marriage requires work, compromise, and yes, sometimes it involves suffering together through hard times, but the reward is immense. At its best, marriage offers a unique and profound relationship that brings out the best in both partners. It teaches resilience, selflessness, and patience—qualities our society desperately needs. The University of British Columbia conducted a study that showed that societies with institutionalized monogamous marriages have lower levels of violence, poverty, gender inequality, and crime. As the saying goes, “Happy wife, happy life” rings true on a societal level. 

The restoration of marriage starts with us. We don’t need to follow the missteps of previous generations’ marriages. We can acknowledge the difficulties of long-term commitment without giving up on the idea that hard work can be rewarding and fun. True love isn’t about perfection, but perseverance. If I ever begin to lose sight of that, I’ll remember Bianca pushing my mom for 26.2 miles and be grateful for the opportunity to keep putting one foot in front of the other, hand-in-hand with my wife. We have an opportunity to show the next generation that marriage isn’t an outdated institution, but the cornerstone of human connection. LGBT people like me fought tooth and nail for this right for good reason. 

Reid and Bianca just after getting engaged on November 1st, 2024.