The Unfriend Me Pledge

I have just unfriended you.

How often in the past year have you seen social media posts like these?

Bookmark this article and you’ll be ready for the next “unfriend me” post that drifts across your newsfeed.

If you are reading this because you clicked the link I posted under some political rant you’ve just made on social media, I have some sad news:

I have just unfriended you.

It’s nothing personal. In fact, it has nothing to do with whether I agree or disagree with your post. It’s quite possible I completely agree with you. But I have taken this pledge:

I pledge to unfriend anyone who publicly demands to be unfriended by people with different opinions. I will automatically unfriend anyone who makes this demand, regardless of who they are or what their opinion is.

As you can see, the Unfriend Me Pledge does not discriminate. I am required to unfriend you no matter who you are: my mother, grandfather, wife, best friend, boss, or a casual acquaintance. I still like you just as much as I did before, and I promise not to make things awkward between us. If I see you at the supermarket I will smile and say hello. But I cannot let your “unfriend me now” post go unrebuffed, for several reasons:

1. It's a childish cry for attention. We all put our opinions on social media. If there are Nazis, racists, devil-worshippers, vampires (or whatever else your sanctimonious post was denouncing) on your friend list, chances are you already know who they are. Instead of taking care of it yourself like an adult and directly unfriending them, you chose to show the world what a righteous human you supposedly are.
   

2. You’re actually helping bad ideas spread. I understand what you’re trying to do: by taking a stand against an obvious evil and refusing to allow it a hearing, you want to deprive bad ideas of legitimacy and prevent them from gaining influence. While this might make sense in certain contexts, the contest between truth and falsehood can’t boil down to who controls access to platforms. That's a game the purveyors of bad ideas can play as well or better than their opponents. If you really want to stop the spread of false, dangerous, or evil ideas in yourself and others, you’ll want to make it as easy as possible for people to be confronted with their mistakes. Promoting a culture in which people refuse to listen (and respond) to viewpoints they find repugnant makes it that much easier for demagogues to build audiences sequestered from criticism. It’s like fighting mold by shutting out the sunlight.
   

3. Your demand to be unfriended is an advertisement of your lack of curiosity and unwillingness to introspect about your beliefs. Meeting someone with values that are alien to our own is an opportunity to learn how preposterous beliefs can seem plausible in the mind of another person. It’s worth knowing something about the mental habits that can lead a person to believe the world is flat. Engaging with others provides an opportunity to uncover one’s own blind spots, by asking, “Am I engaged in any similar error? Does this type of mistake also apply to me in some other area?”
   

4. It is the death of nuance. “You’re either with me or against me.” “Politics is personal.” “My truth isn’t up for debate.” “Unfriend me.” These are rhetorical tactics easily wielded by either side of any contention to bully more reflective thinkers into conformity. “Don’t question why your emotional reaction is different from another person’s reaction. Don’t think. Just join my team or I will count you as part of the evil opposition,” as if those are the only options. As if thinking itself—questioning one’s premises, listening to different opinions, trying to step outside of one’s comfortable frame of reference—could ever be at odds with truth and objectivity.

If this sounds excessively judgmental coming from me, don’t worry. I'm probably in no position to look down on you. In all likelihood, I too was once an insufferable, self-aggrandizing prig. But I was set straight by someone who took the Unfriend Me Pledge. Now I have changed my ways and joined the side of those who seek forthright communication and enlightenment through open dialogue.

So fear not. Not all hope is lost for our online relationship. I will be happy to re-friend you on two conditions:

1. Don’t make any more cringey “unfriend me now” posts.

2. Take the Unfriend Me Pledge.

Now maybe you and I aren’t that close. I’m just someone you knew in high school or a former coworker. Maybe the thought of losing my digital friendship won’t deter you from making public declarations of your own holiness. Fine. I go in peace. But be warned: the next time you announce an “unfriend me now" ultimatum to the entire internet, be prepared to get unfriended by anyone who has taken this pledge. The Unfriend Me Pledge spares no one.

If, on the other hand, you choose to do the right thing and seek a healthier online culture, I couldn’t be happier! I can’t wait to reconnect with you. Now you too have the responsibility of turning the tables on those annoying loved ones who chill important conversations with their needless grandstanding. Just remember to give them a link to this article before you click “unfriend.” It takes some nerve to go through with it, but you are on the right side and they asked for it.

Below is the Unfriend Me Pledge in its entirety:

The Unfriend Me Pledge

I pledge to unfriend anyone who publicly demands to be unfriended by people with different opinions. I will automatically unfriend anyone who makes this demand, regardless of who they are or what their opinion is. But I will happily reconnect with them if they agree to take this pledge.