The Black Sheep Mindset: It's Not What You Think, But How You Think

The key to constructive disagreement is focusing more on shared processes, not shared conclusions.

I have often aligned myself with others based on their opinions and beliefs. While this approach may seem sound, time and reflection have led me to understand that like-mindedness is better found in how a person thinks than what they think.

As someone who resonates strongly with the black sheep archetype, the past few years have been a considerable period of growth and outgrowth. Friendships, ideologies, values, and beliefs have all been subject to appraisal as I’ve had to determine what stays, what goes, and what new ideas or people I welcome in.

I know that many others (we, the black sheep) have experienced similar upheavals in recent years. Amidst all of the flux, a key insight I want to highlight is this:

We don’t find our fellow black sheep by identifying those who feel and think the same way that we do about x, y, or z. We find our fellow black sheep by identifying those who have a strong capacity to question narratives, think critically, and embody the courage to be wrong.

Given the intense cultural and political waves of the past few years, it makes sense if we’ve formed alliances with others based on how well their opinions align with our own. Considering all that mainstream news outlets have pushed out like propaganda, many have been left feeling like they don’t belong. Outcasted, alone, and lost are some of the words that black sheep have used to describe their experience of these turbulent times. We’re often quite vulnerable when left feeling outcasted, and thus more likely to latch onto people who share the same opinions that we do.

However, we all come to a point when someone who we once felt in complete ideological alignment with expresses a belief that runs contrary to our own. At that precise moment, we are faced with a choice: assign them a label that casts them out of our “freethinking, black sheep camp” or recognize that this moment was inevitable.

No two people hold or will hold the exact same views on all subject matters over the course of a lifetime—that’s a good thing. Diversity of thought is our collective strength.

When we expect our fellow black sheep to conform to all of our views, we engage in the very behavior we are intuitively compelled to resist. After all, the black sheep is the person who breaks molds, defies norms, and takes the path-less-traveled even if that means walking alone. If we are to embody the archetype of the black sheep, we must allow others to embody it in their own way too, following their unique path towards truth, authenticity, and freedom.

To gain deeper insight into this, it’s valuable to reconsider what we mean when we call someone “like-minded.” We often use this word to describe someone who holds the same opinions as us, but that understanding only limits us. Our mind, after all, is a vast web of complex processes; it’s not defined by static ideas. We might instead consider that a like-minded person is someone whose cognitive processes are similar to our own. They may not arrive at all the same conclusions, but they’re working through things in a similar fashion.

So what are the cognitive processes that black sheep embody? First is the inclination to question assumptions, narratives, and information that’s force-fed to us. Black sheep don’t take things at face value. They take pause to consider new information, practice mindfulness of personal biases and blind spots, and listen to that nagging voice within when it says, “Something’s not adding up.”

Those who embody the black sheep archetype think critically and are flexible to the influx of new information. What comes in is evaluated with open-mindedness, and yet there is also a degree of caution. Not everything taken in is assumed to be true, and it’s certainly not considered to be the full picture. When necessary, the black sheep takes the time to dig deeper into a claim, idea, or purported fact.

Another overlooked trait of black sheep is the courage to be wrong and the willingness to change course when confronted with new information that calls for it. While some non-conformists go against the grain for the sake of it, what lies at the heart of truly anchored black sheep is the pursuit of truth. In order to pursue the truth, we have to be willing to acknowledge when our previous beliefs were not accurate—and we have to be willing to courageously course-correct.

Similar to holding the courage to be wrong is holding the willingness to simply change our mind. It’s not always about finding an “absolute truth.” Often, what we’re searching for on this path-less-traveled is what feels most “right” or authentic to us—even if that’s subjective. I witnessed a great example of this in a recent conversation between Megyn Kelly and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. when Kelly questioned the “mixed signals” that Kennedy had sent out regarding his stance on abortion. In the interview, Kennedy explains his personal evolution on the topic. Without outlining his current stance (because again, it’s the process that we’re applauding), he was receptive to new information and allowed external ideas to shift the nuance in where he stood—while still staying connected to his principles.

Similarly, in a recently published essay, The Black Sheep writer and editor Salomé Sibonex outlines part of her process—and embodied mental attitudes—as she evolved her position on Zionism. Recognizing that there was more to the issue than she’d assumed, staying open-minded enough to allow insights to evolve, and refraining from taking an early public stance were some things that supported her evolving position on the topic.

You don’t have to agree with where either Kennedy or Sibonex land on these hot-button issues in order to recognize and applaud what they hold in common: open-mindedness, a willingness to evolve, and receptivity to new information. In our polarized society, these cognitive traits are hard to come by as many people are prone to digging their heels in once they’ve “made up their minds.”

These qualities of thought are what we should be looking for when determining black sheep like-mindedness. Admiration should stem from our appreciation of how people think, not just what they think. If our regard and respect for someone hinges on whether we agree with them on all issues, the strength of that relationship is undermined. It’s no wonder then that the fabric of our society is as weak as it is. Amidst all the shouting and pleading for diversity, we’ve abandoned diversity of thought. 

When we reflexively shut down or turn away from opinions that clash with our own, we risk falling into echo chambers. Echo chambers are environments where a person only encounters information or ideas that align with or strengthen their own. While it might feel good to have our perspective continually reinforced, this is not where growth, truth, or evolution come from. Expansion thrives where dialogue and disagreement are allowed and even encouraged.

Part of the work we have to do then, as black sheep, is to assess our own degree of comfort with disagreement and conflict. Are we willing to sit with uncertainty, friction, and paradox, or do we only hang out within the comfort of people and places that reinforce the ideas we’re attached to?

The reality is that most of us have the inclination to do both, but the black sheep archetype thrives when it courageously meets the discomfort of conflict, whether inner or outer. Conflict, after all, is not necessarily a sign that something is “wrong.” Friction is a natural part of the human experience. In fact, within conflict is where we find our greatest potential to grow—as individuals and as a collective.

Founder of the Coming to Peace conflict resolution model, Isa Gucciardi states: “Conflict is a powerful teacher that shows us where we are out of balance.” This rings true whether the conflict is an internal or external one. The presence of conflict can lead us to ask: What am I not seeing yet? Where do I need to expand? Where do I need to stand firm? Where am I out of balance here?

Conflict doesn’t become comfortable just because we approach it through this reflective lens. As black sheep, we’re called to embrace the discomfort of disagreement while simultaneously trusting that there’s potential within it. By their nature, black sheep should already be accustomed to discomfort: the discomfort of walking alone, of being misunderstood, of defying convention.

However, if we’re not careful, even those who feel a deep connection to the black sheep archetype can fall prey to the allure of groupthink.

Amidst our own yearning for solidarity and belonging, we can lose touch with our values of individualism and authenticity. Self-awareness is crucial to remaining open-minded, free-thinking, and in celebration of diversity of thought.

Ultimately, the essence of the black sheep archetype is not about being different for the sake of being different. It’s not about taking the contrarian view on each and every subject presented to us. It’s about the pursuit of expanded truths and authentic living—not just for us, but for all.

We black sheep don’t come together because we all hold the same opinions or worldview (at least, that shouldn’t be what drives our bond). Rather, it’s vital to stay connected to something deeper than that—to the intuitive impulse to protect and stand for authenticity, individuality, and whatever else drives us to take the path-less-traveled. This is where we find our strength, not just as a group, but as individuals. By remembering that how we think is more important than what we think, including for others, we stay true to the path that beckons us.