Individualism Isn't "Selfish"—It's What Makes Love So Special

Collectivism poisons relationships by replacing desire with obligation.

There’s a paradox at the heart of human connection: the more we cling, the more we lose. The healthiest relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or societal—aren’t forged through force, but through choice. Individualism, though often misconstrued as self-absorption, is at the heart of our healthiest relationships.

I’ve spent years pointing out how badly things go when groups of people try to force their views on others, despite how well-intentioned they might be. Yet, I’m seeing even more scapegoating of individualism today, both by the Right and Left, as a convenient villain for anything they dislike in others or society at large. Meanwhile, both sides of the political aisle lament how unhealthy and dysfunctional our culture has become, neither realizing they are the two sides of one destructive anti-individualist coin.

So I’m going to try a different approach to explaining how individualism creates a healthier, happier society: I’ll explain how it’s already supporting your most fulfilling relationships.

Some Have to Learn the Hard Way

I used to believe love was “sacrifice,” as we still commonly hear it described. The romantic idea of harming yourself for the sake of helping a loved one is at the heart of collectivism. By no coincidence, when I was at my most codependent, I was also a collectivist, fighting not to send a text message all day so as not to overwhelm my flighty partner and simultaneously self-censoring my writing so I would fit the Good Progressive mold the art world demands. I was in two relationships where I constantly suppressed my own needs for the sake of “us,” one personal and one societal.