Individualism Isn't "Selfish"—It's What Makes Love So Special

Collectivism poisons relationships by replacing desire with obligation.

There’s a paradox at the heart of human connection: the more we cling, the more we lose. The healthiest relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or societal—aren’t forged through force, but through choice. Individualism, though often misconstrued as self-absorption, is at the heart of our healthiest relationships.

I’ve spent years pointing out how badly things go when groups of people try to force their views on others, despite how well-intentioned they might be. Yet, I’m seeing even more scapegoating of individualism today, both by the Right and Left, as a convenient villain for anything they dislike in others or society at large. Meanwhile, both sides of the political aisle lament how unhealthy and dysfunctional our culture has become, neither realizing they are the two sides of one destructive anti-individualist coin.

So I’m going to try a different approach to explaining how individualism creates a healthier, happier society: I’ll explain how it’s already supporting your most fulfilling relationships.

Some Have to Learn the Hard Way

I used to believe love was “sacrifice,” as we still commonly hear it described. The romantic idea of harming yourself for the sake of helping a loved one is at the heart of collectivism. By no coincidence, when I was at my most codependent, I was also a collectivist, fighting not to send a text message all day so as not to overwhelm my flighty partner and simultaneously self-censoring my writing so I would fit the Good Progressive mold the art world demands. I was in two relationships where I constantly suppressed my own needs for the sake of “us,” one personal and one societal.

It felt right to walk on eggshells, but every now and then the real me would break out and all the self-sacrificial attempts to fit a mold I never could were proven useless. I learned the hard way that a healthy relationship doesn’t require sacrifices that harm you. The sacrifices we make for love aren’t to avoid some unpleasant outcome like a break-up (the irony of conflating individualism with self-absorption is that many forms of the latter show up as an obsession with how others view you, causing people-pleasing and codependency). Healthy “sacrifices” are a choice to trade one thing for something more valuable, like trading away the freedom to date other people in order to get married.

A healthy relationship is one where two individuals willingly choose to be together, not via a self-destructive sacrifice that enables one to flourish at the expense of another, but out of a mutual desire that leads to the flourishing of both.

The same goes for a healthy society.

The Poison of Collectivism in Relationships

Collectivism, the belief that the group’s needs come before the individual’s, poisons relationships by replacing desire with obligation. In collectivist frameworks, individuals are pressured to conform to the expectations of others, sacrificing their autonomy for a “greater good” that only benefits a few.

Despite all the hate she inspires, this Ayn Rand quote shouldn’t be controversial:

“Love should be treated like a business deal—but every business deal has to be voluntary, fair, and mutually beneficial.”

It’s so obvious in our relationships today that we forget how crucial it is, but this one word is the missing piece to a healthier society: voluntary.

In collectivist cultures, love is often treated as a moral or social requirement. When relationships are coerced—by family, society, or cultural norms—they breed:

• Resentment: Love turns into a cage rather than a choice.

• Repression: People stay silent about what they truly want.

• Dysfunction: Forced relationships often lead to unhealthy patterns of control and dependence.

History is full of examples of collectivist ideologies corrupting relationships. In Soviet Russia—or my mother’s country of birth, Cuba—loyalty to the state trumped family loyalty; children were encouraged to report parents who deviated from Communist ideology. In fundamentalist religious communities, marriage is often seen as a social contract that serves the group rather than the individuals in it. In every case, collectivism prioritizes cohesion over personal fulfillment, turning relationships into tools of control rather than expressions of free will.

A Society Built on Voluntary Bonds

If individualism creates healthier personal relationships, it also builds stronger societies. When people are free to form bonds based on choice rather than obligation, communities become more resilient. The strongest social contracts are the ones we choose—friendships, partnerships, voluntary organizations—not those imposed on us.

Economist and philosopher Friedrich Hayek argued that a free society is one in which individuals can "use their own knowledge for their own purposes." That principle doesn’t just apply to markets—it applies to relationships. A society that respects individual freedom allows people to create their own communities based on shared values rather than state-imposed identities or collective mandates.

This is why authoritarian regimes and collectivist ideologies always try to control personal relationships. They understand that love—when it’s freely chosen—is a threat. A person who loves voluntarily can’t be easily controlled.

The Courage to Choose

To embrace individualism is to embrace the possibility of loss. Freedom means a partner can walk away, a friend can outgrow you, a community can evolve. But it also means that when love endures, it’s because it’s real. It’s a choice, not an obligation.

Societies that prioritize individualism create healthier, freer, and more meaningful relationships. When we’re not forced to love, we learn how to love well. And when we learn how to love well, we build a world worth living in.

Khalil Gibran captured it best: "Let there be spaces in your togetherness... Love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

That’s the essence of individualism: the freedom to love, and in that freedom, the power to build something true.