If You Feel Lost, It’s Because You Are
When other paths aren't working, try The Black Sheep Path | Part #2
This is Part 2 of an ongoing series about what it means to be a black sheep and how it can become your biggest strength. Find Part 1 here.
People tell me they admire how willing I am to speak up for my beliefs when backlash is imminent. I get asked how I have the nerve to withstand insults, social pressure, and even the risk to my career just to maintain my integrity. When you look at my life now—artist, cultural commentator, and owner of this publication— such behaviors might seem normal. But what’s missing is how I got here after spending most of my life as a confused conformist and self-censoring artist stuck in unfulfilling jobs.
Like many black sheep, I’ve dealt with intense conflict between attaining what I wanted from life and fear of being attacked and alienated for pursuing it.
I was unconsciously torn between safety and authenticity, yet always aware I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. Since discovering the concept of the black sheep, I’ve realized this experience was a normal and necessary part of finding my path. When I reframed my fear as a logical response to a mechanism meant to scare me into conformity, I felt less afraid. When I learned that black sheep have always been the most harshly criticized individuals because they threaten the status quo, I made peace with this price.
Right now, many of the black sheep reading this may not realize that their inner turmoil is a warning sign that they’re trying to fit a mold that isn’t meant for them. For me, this turmoil once made conformity seem like the only solution I’d get approval from others, feel (temporarily) better about myself, and outsource the hard work of developing my identity to a group happy to dictate it. When you don’t know how to deal with the conflict between what you feel pulled toward and the negative response you’ll likely receive for pursuing it, it’s easy to fall into the conformity trap.
Developing an identity when you’re under 25 is a complicated process, especially if you add in hang-ups like insecurity or people-pleasing. After years of trying to fit in with the herd around me by adopting political leftism and doing what other activists did to fit in, the cracks started to form. When I saw leftist activists justifying violence and looting during the Black Lives Matter riots during the Summer of 2020, I finally realized I was on the wrong path. Watching the destruction stirred my belief in fairness to overcome my desire for acceptance. I still didn’t know what my path was, but now I knew it included opposing illiberalism and dishonesty.
Not everyone is meant to follow the black sheep path. For those who are, the path isn’t neatly laid out in front of you because only you can pave it.
As a people-pleaser, one of my previous guiding forces had been whether my actions or words would avoid upsetting others (I know a quick look at my writing history makes that hard to believe). If an action would protect me from criticism, my instinct was to follow it. I had to learn that while it felt comfortable, I could never be an authentic person if I changed or hid myself based on what other people wanted. Worse, if I couldn’t develop and act on my own values then I’d never find a community that would appreciate the real me and encourage the life I wanted.
One of the first obstacles on the black sheep path is getting comfortable with other people’s discomfort. Many people are threatened by anyone who acts authentically—not just because they might disagree, but because like all actions, others’ authenticity provides a mirror from which people are forced to measure their own. Yet, this is one reason black sheep are a crucial part of a healthy group: instead of letting people numb themselves, black sheep challenge people to consider whether they’re living with integrity.
Even after consciously deciding to guide my actions based on my values instead of the approval of others, it wasn’t until I seriously studied the concepts of collectivism and individualism that I began to understand the dynamics that make it hard for black sheep to thrive—both historically and today. Our behavior either promotes individual sovereignty or collectivism. My people-pleasing tendencies had been exploited by leftist activists who weaponized accusations of bigotry to scare people into conformity. When I realized it wasn’t my own dysfunction that caused my instinctual resistance but the dysfunction of collectivists who didn’t believe in my right to think for myself, I was suddenly empowered to push back.
Many black sheep don’t have this understanding of collectivism and individualism, so naturally as humans do, they think there’s something wrong with themselves as they keep running into collectivist control tactics. But when you understand this dynamic, you can meet your resistance and push back—proudly. This is one of the roles black sheep play in any group: maintaining the balance between individual sovereignty and conformist social pressure.
A strength viewed through the wrong framework can look like a weakness. Everything changes when a black sheep realizes they aren’t doing something wrong, but are playing the role they’re meant to.
Your desire to go your own way in a collectivist culture will be treated as a threat, but understanding the black sheep path provides a map to decode these obstacles. As we learn to value those who disagree with the group and thus help it grow, we also recognize it’s our duty to live with integrity instead of choosing the ease of conformity.
Today I’ve built my career by going where I feel compelled to—leading with my values, despite the backlash that may come. People now turn to me for encouragement to challenge their herd and forge their own path. In an era consumed by destructive ideologies and increasing conformity, society needs its black sheep to play their role like never before.
