My Twin Became A Therapist And Her New Outlook is Destroying Our Family | Black Sheep Advice

Polar-opposite twin psychologists & Republican "baby killers"

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Dear Reid,

I got my degree in psychology. So did my twin sister. Yet we couldn’t think about mental health any more differently.

I believe that we can overcome our hardships by finding meaning in overcoming them, an outlook I learned from the psychoanalyst Victor Frankl. She believes we are all unknowingly carrying psychological traumas and must uncover them, an outlook learned from the therapist Bessel van der Kolk. But this perspective leads people to identify deeply with their trauma—the roots of the unhealthy victimhood culture we’ve seen arise among our generation.

Since my sister started studying these ideas, she’s become increasingly fragile and judgmental. She’s become more intolerant of all our family members—many of whom have actually experienced seriously traumatic events—for not acting like perfectly trained therapists. The worst is how she’s begun treating my parents, who love her more than life, but have no idea how to navigate the new trauma tripwires she’s set up, like asking for permission before offering their opinions about anything she does or believes.

I share my views when I can so that she might consider a different approach, but should I tell her directly what I’m seeing in her? I worry that I’m watching her dig herself into a destructive worldview that will only hurt her and my family. How do you tell someone who can’t tolerate criticism that their fragility is a warning sign, not a special need?

— Mia; Age 29; San Diego, CA

Dear Mia, 

My fiancée is a twin, so I tagged her in to help with this response. I don’t need to tell you that the connection between twins is one of the strongest, but most contentious bonds out there. That you are both in the same field further intensifies an already intense relationship. You’re right in asking how, not if, to address this. When individuals embody their ideology to such a degree, it can become like a religion, making it harder to shake. It sounds like she is seeing everything through her new ideological lens, but I don’t think she’s a lost cause. Former FBI agent and expert negotiator Chris Voss says that setting expectations for a hard conversation can lessen the blow of receiving criticism and leave more room for a productive dialogue. Entering into the conversation with your sister, perhaps open with, “This is going to be hard to hear, but I love you and we’re on the same team.” Then ask her what her goal is. What is she trying to accomplish when these back and forths happen? Let’s assume her intentions are good—she’s trying to help the people she loves, to enlighten them with a perspective she believes to be helpful, but it’s doing the opposite. And the proof is in the lack of results. Be honest about the fact that you’re worried about her, but that you’re not judging her. You want to understand. Be kind, but very direct and antifragile.

Brene Brown says, “Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong. You will always find it because you've made that your mission.” If she looks for trauma everywhere, she will surely find it. Ask her if this approach seems to be making her personal life better or worse, and if worse, why she might think that is. You and your family deserve the benefit of the doubt from her—it sounds like you’ve earned it, and frequently offer it to your sister. Asking the same in return is completely reasonable. Don’t focus on trying to change her mind, but alter her approach. Not everyone is a psychologist and can’t be expected to have all the answers to the secret quiz she is administering—it’s no one else's responsibility to walk on eggshells around her, and no one can pass a test that they don’t even know that they’re taking in the first place. Ask her if she might consider trying to focus less on analyzing the people around her and choose to love them first, and ask questions later. Leave the trauma at the door. If her goal is to win the argument, then you can’t change that. But she deserves to know that if she’s hell-bent on winning the argument, your relationship might degrade. And without quality relationships, we can’t begin to heal our “trauma.” At our core, we all simply want to be known and loved for who we are right now, not who someone wishes we would be. 

Dear Reid,

This Christmas I broke my on-again, off-again rule of not discussing politics with my family. Politically, we're a very Democratic family. In fact, the only "other" in our family were "right-wing" people. It came as a shock in college to discover I was a conservative. I should have known. As a kid, the thing I liked best about Bill Clinton was that he balanced the budget and left with a surplus. Also, I lined toy trucks up neatly in rows.

Either way, I thought my sister and I could handle it. We're both adults. We used to have debates as kids. Surely, as long as I didn't hurl expletives, we should be good. It was a total disaster. The gist of my position was that refusing to get endless boosters of the COVID vaccine was not the same as stopping the vaccination of people against polio or measles. Apparently, this is not the case; I am a baby killer (real creative, right? The Left never used that zinger before…)

I feel that I have no choice but to refrain from talking about religion and politics at the dinner table. The problem is that adults really don't have that much to talk about without current events. I know this issue is nothing new and is widely being discussed right now, but if there's little chance of common ground, should I resign myself to the possibility of never discussing politics with my family ever again?

— Sam; Age 38; Yakima, WA

Dear Sam, 

As a general rule, I only speak if I know the other person can hear what I have to say. But let me rewind. I want to challenge your statement that adults don’t have much to talk about without current events.