My Mentally Ill Mom Won't Stop Hoarding | Advice For Black Sheep

Helping an unwell parent & politically polarized spouses

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Dear Reid,

My mom’s been a hoarder for as long as I can remember—think stacks of newspapers from the ‘80s, broken appliances she swears she’ll fix, and a garage you can’t walk through. Growing up, I was the kid who couldn’t have friends over because the house was a maze of junk. She always said it was her “collections,” not a problem. Last year, after my dad passed, it got worse—she started keeping his old clothes, even stained ones, because “they still smell like him.” I live an hour away, but on my last visit, the kitchen was unusable, with moldy takeout containers everywhere. I lost it and told her she’s living in a health hazard. She cried, said I was ashamed of her, and hasn’t called me since.

I feel awful—she’s my mom, and she’s grieving—but I can’t pretend this is normal anymore. My sister says I should apologize and let it go, that Mom’s too old to change, but I’m scared she’ll die in that mess if I don’t push. I’m the only one willing to say it’s a problem; the rest of my family just shrugs. How do I get through to a parent who’s drowning in denial, when speaking up makes me the villain and staying silent feels like abandoning her?

— Hannah; Age 35; Tulsa, OK

Dear Hannah, 

It definitely sounds like you are right to be concerned here. Your mom is sick—hoarding is just like any other addiction. She is craving connection, and somehow attaching her well-being to these items gives her a sense of safety, when it’s actually endangering her. The insulation she perceives as comfort is slowly suffocating her. I can understand why your sister wants to believe she’s too old to change as a way of avoiding dealing with this problem. It’s extremely daunting. But your mom’s life is at risk, and you can’t do this alone. 

I would start there. Gathering your sister and others who care for your mom in one place to discuss the severity of the situation you now find yourself in is the first step. If it’s not family, then get some friends involved. Come armed with research and compassion—and ask for help. As Dr. John Delony says, “It’s time to turn all the lights on, turn the music off, and stop dancing.” Light is the best disinfectant. No more dancing around the issue. It might even be time to get the authorities involved. Her house is likely in violation of several city ordinance health codes. If she refuses to help herself, getting the authorities involved is necessary. 

One thing you’re going to have to come to terms with is that you need to be okay with your mom not liking you so that she stays alive. You’re going to be the villain here, and that’s okay. She might even hate you at the beginning. But powering through this and even saying that to her can be freeing for both of you. Said plainly: You’d rather her be alive and hate you than die loving you. Hoarders feel intense shame. It’s important that you do your best to communicate to your mom that you love her and are there to walk with her out of this mess, that your dad would want her to live out her last years in peace and safety. She might not be able to hear you, but at least you will have said it. Ultimately, it’s time to tackle this head on, and you should feel proud of yourself for doing the next right thing. It will be a long, difficult process to get your mom the help she needs. The physical manifestation of her grief is a cry for help, and you’re the one answering the call. Good for you for not looking the other way. Tough love is the only answer here. 

Hannah, I’m proud of you. If there were more daughters like you who refused to stand by and let their parent drown in a mess of their own making, we’d have more whole families—families who decide to stop the cycle of dysfunction from continuing through their family tree. So put on your best villain cape, ask for help, and rest assured that you are doing the right thing. 

Dear Reid,

I’ve been a real estate agent for eight years. I’m a small-government guy—keep taxes low, let the market do its thing—and the Trump administration's announcement about extending tax breaks for businesses, “putting money back in Americans’ pockets”? I’m living it—more people buying houses, more deals closing. My clients are thrilled too; feeling optimistic for the first time in years about their financial futures. I’ve been posting about it on X, calling it a win for the little guy against the IRS.

But my wife’s not on board. She’s a nurse, big on “fairness,” and she’s been stewing since the cuts dropped. Last night, we were cooking dinner—steaks on the grill, kids running around—and she brought it up again. “You’re celebrating while my patients can’t afford meds,” she said, chopping onions like they owed her money. I told her, “This is about growth—more jobs, more revenue eventually fixes that.” She wasn’t having it: “Tell that to the mom I saw today who’s skipping insulin.” We didn’t yell, but the air got thick; she slept on the couch, and this morning she barely looked at me. She’s not wrong in the short run, but those problems already existed under the Biden administration, and I think she’s missing how everyone’s lives will improve in the long run and all the positives I’m seeing right now in my work.

I love her; she’s my rock, and we’ve always balanced each other out. But I’m not apologizing for backing a policy that’s keeping my business alive and benefitting millions of Americans—Trump’s delivering what I voted for. How do I get my wife to see my side of tax cuts without blowing up our marriage, when she’s stuck on who’s getting left behind?

— Ryan; Age 39; Nashville, TN