"I Think I'm Destroying My Life With My Phone" | Advice For Black Sheep

Reclaiming your mind, whether from your phone or family.

Has being a black sheep put you in a thorny situation? Tell Reid your story and send her your question at submit@wetheblacksheep.com. Get published and receive a free month’s subscription to The Black Sheep!

Dear Reid,

I think I'm destroying my life with my phone, and I can't seem to stop. I'm a 34-year-old man who used to be pretty happy-go-lucky, but over the past two years, I feel like I’ve become a different person.

Several times a day, I scroll through news and political content; I tell myself I'm "staying informed," but honestly, I'm just getting angry. I lose sleep sometimes because I stay up doom-scrolling. Last month, I nearly rear-ended someone because I was trying to read a breaking news alert at a stoplight.

I know all of this is making me miserable. I can feel my blood pressure rising with every notification. But whenever I try to step away, I get this overwhelming anxiety that I'm missing something crucial. Or more often, I go a few days offline cold turkey, but inevitably fail and find myself back to square one. The worst part? I work in social media. Even if I never used it for my own purposes, I’m still impacted by using it for my job.

I miss being able to just enjoy a movie without analyzing its political undertones in relation to whatever the “Current Thing” is or having a simple dinner without checking my phone every five minutes for updates. I miss my old self, the guy who didn’t feel like the world was always about to come crashing down and I’d be lesser for not knowing about it.

How do I break free of this cycle to find more lightness and joy, despite everything feeling so urgent and being unable to fully avoid social media because of my work?

Sincerely,

Jeremy; Age 34; Denver, CO.

Dear Jeremy,

At the risk of sounding alarmist, your social media addiction isn’t just making you miserable—it might be slowly killing you. Research now shows that the cortisol spikes you get from emotional outrage generated from social media/politics is making not just our mental, but our physical health worse. Chronic stress takes a serious toll on our bodies, our relationships, and our sense of purpose.

We aren’t wired to consume news from around the globe every hour on the hour. We are meant to be in deep community with those in our direct vicinity—addressing the problems we have direct control over and fostering relationships that give us a profound sense of belonging.

Your social media habit is robbing you of so much. But don’t despair, the good thing is that you’re driving this car, and you’ve decided you’d rather not head toward the edge of the cliff.

As they say, the first step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have one, so kudos to you. You’re miles ahead of where many people are regarding this issue. Before I dive in, let me share a few concrete steps that helped me:

• Buy a lock box with a timer for your phone. When you’re at home after work, put your phone in the box and maybe start with just 30 minutes. Go for a walk, make dinner, read a book—do something constructive. Without the option of looking at your phone, you’re taking your power back. I remember the first time I did it. I was finally able to read chapters of a book uninterrupted, and I swear I could feel the change in my brain chemistry shifting almost immediately.

• Listen to this episode of the Dr. John Delony Show. This conversation blew my mind and offered a ton of helpful advice about how to minimize screen time, and the benefits you will see as a result. You’re not just giving something up, you will be gaining an immense amount in return for the sacrifice.

• Get an alarm clock for your bedroom. Leave the phone plugged in in another room, with the ringer on loud but Do Not Disturb mode toggled on. Make it so only your emergency contacts can call you. That way you can still sleep well knowing your people can reach you if they need to, but you’re not sleeping with a metaphorical demon in your room. You won’t be able to reach for it first thing in the morning or at night if you can’t sleep. Right now I bet you’re jolting yourself awake every morning with a surge of cortisol and dopamine, and the result of that is you chase that high the rest of the day. Doing this will make the rest of your day easier. If you’re married or in a relationship, this just might have the downstream effect of improving your sex life as well. Added bonus.

Ultimately, these are just training wheels—tools to rewire your brain away from doom and gloom and toward being a functioning, joyful member of society. I would be willing to bet that in just a few days you will start feeling better. At the root of this is a truth we all need to remind ourselves of: we can’t fix everything. Politics and crime and wars abroad are not your crosses to bear. If they were, you would run for office, become a police officer, or join the military. But that’s not everyone’s calling, nor should it be.

You can contribute meaningfully to the world simply by being present and regaining control over the things you can control, starting with your social media use.

I understand you can’t avoid it at work, neither can I. But what you can control is what you do with your off-time. If more people decided to be intentional with their attention, time, and energy like you are doing, the world would be a much better place.

Dear Reid,

I was raised to be the “good kid”—the one who didn't argue or step out of line. This has made it challenging for me to stand up for myself when it’s important. Not just a little bit, but to the point that I once failed to find it in me to report a coworker I had evidence of stealing from the company we worked at.

Now that I've been addressing this problem—defining what I believe in and tolerating the conflict required to stand for it—many of my values no longer match my parents’. As a result, I find myself pulling away from them and feeling distant. I love my parents and they’ve been wonderful to me my entire life, so this isn’t intentional. They just aren't willing to debate most things and whatever goes against their worldview becomes a taboo subject.

Recently, I tried to discuss a new project I’m working on about the importance of traveling alone at least occasionally throughout one’s life. Solo-travel greatly improved my independence, courage, and competence…but my parents disagree. They see it as pure recreation and even irresponsibility because they believe I should always bring my partner with me. I’d be happy to find common ground on this, but they won’t even discuss it; as soon as a topic they’re decided on comes up, they shut down the discussion by getting hostile, changing the topic, or walking away.

I want to be close to my family but it’s become difficult to maintain a middle ground for the sake of the relationship. How do you bridge the gap that’s created when your core values don't line up with those of your parents?

Sincerely,

Nayali; Age 29; Syracuse, NY.

Dear Nayali,