How Do I Rescue My Nephew From My Family's New Cult? | Advice For Black Sheep
Christian fundamentalist relatives & a Trump-voting lesbian in the workplace
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Dear Reid,
My brother and his wife just had their first baby, a beautiful boy, and I can’t believe I'm finally an uncle! But, I have some big fears about the environment he might grow up in: the Seventh-day Adventist church (SDA), of which my sister-in-law is a devout member.
The issues with SDA are far too numerous to cover here, but this extreme group is far different from other Christian sects. They believe all non-SDA Christians are "Babylon," "worse than heathens," and part of a worldwide Satanic deception—largely, but not exclusively, because most Christians observe the Sabbath on Sunday; SDA insists it must be on Saturday. They also believe that their founder, Ellen G. White, and her twisted "12 Doctrines" supersede the Bible because she was the last real prophet God spoke to directly.
To give an example of how extreme these beliefs can be, when my grandmother passed away a couple of years ago, my sister-in-law initially refused to attend the funeral because it was held in a Catholic church. She believed that stepping inside might physically harm her; like she’d burn or be cursed in some way. While she eventually went in, the fact that she had this outburst during such an emotionally charged family mourning illustrates how rigid and exclusionary her faith is—anyone who isn’t SDA is seen as spiritually doomed.
What’s even harder is that my father and other relatives have also been soaking up SDA beliefs, interjecting in almost every conversation about how everything is "Satanic." This is threatening to undo all the hard work I've put into building healthier relationships with my family after a difficult upbringing.
My brother mostly goes along with his wife to avoid conflict, but I worry about how this will shape my nephew’s upbringing. Will he grow up afraid to question things or feel cut off from the wider world?
I live far away and can only visit them once or twice a year, so I already feel like the odd one out. I want to build a strong bond with my nephew and be the uncle he can turn to as he grows up, but I feel powerless… powerless to stop him from growing up in an environment that limits his ability to explore, question, and connect with the world around him.
How do I navigate my fears about the environment my nephew is growing up in while staying connected to my family? And how can I still be a positive influence in his life? Ironically, I feel more and more like the black sheep of my family even though they’re the ones with the extremist beliefs.
— Dwight; Age 36; Phoenix, AZ
Dear Dwight,
The good news is building a strong bond with your nephew and being someone he can turn to is within your control. The bad news is that’s about where your control of this situation ends. Fostering relationships with people who follow SDA and other stringent religions can be extremely unpleasant and difficult if you don’t share their beliefs. And while I completely understand your concerns, unfortunately, the only two people who get to choose how they raise their son are your brother and his wife. Your not living nearby makes what I’m going to recommend more challenging, but not impossible. You’re not powerless.
It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to try to connect with your family despite your differences and difficult childhood. Kudos to you. A lot of people wouldn’t make the effort. I think that’s where you have to continue digging in, particularly with your brother. Strengthening that bond will make it more likely for him to be open to your perspective and to you spending time with your nephew as he grows up. Something that has been really freeing for me personally is a simple idea: expect your family members to be who they’ve always been. I think we end up hurting ourselves more in the long run when we expect or hope for people to change in the ways we think they ought to, only to be disappointed when they behave exactly as they always have. You can only deal with people as they are. Try getting closer to your brother while your nephew is still a baby, whether that means weekly Facetime calls or making the trip out to see him more often. Maybe even go to church with them sometimes when you visit if that’s an option. It sounds odd, but I think some of your fears will dissipate the closer to the craziness you are. Show the three of them that you love them enough to spend an hour with them in their place of worship, even if you don’t believe in it. Maybe one day you’ll be able to steal a glance with your nephew and raise your eyebrows when something particularly nuts is uttered. Dr. John Delony says, “Behavior is a language.” Show your brother and sister-in-law through your behavior that you’re someone they can trust with their son, despite the fact that you don’t share their beliefs. In other words: keep showing up. Write your nephew letters until he knows how to email or text. Tell him about yourself and your life, and ask him questions about his. Continue being the honorable man that you are, and give your family grace more often than they deserve it. Be honest about your beliefs with your nephew if you have the opportunity and you feel it’s appropriate. As your nephew grows up, he will notice, and if he ever has questions or needs a safe person to turn to, he will know exactly who that is.
Dear Reid,
I’m writing to you from a place of conflict and concern. I’m in a loving relationship with my fiancée, who voted for Trump, and I completely respect and understand her choice. I personally wrestled with who to vote for and ended up choosing differently, but that has no bearing on our relationship. She’s one of the smartest people I know and I trust her to vote her conscience. I enjoy hearing her thoughts and opinions even if we occasionally disagree. It keeps us both honest. However, I’ve found that this has put me on a metaphorical island amongst my coworkers, who are openly critical—disdainful—of Trump and anyone associated with him. They assume because we are a lesbian couple that we both voted for Kamala Harris. Their stereotyping us bothers me, but that’s not the main issue.
At work, I often hear harsh jokes and derogatory comments about Trump voters, and it makes my heart sink. My boss went as far as cutting off her family members who voted for him. She divulged this to me as if I should give her a pat on the back. At company dinners where spouses are invited, my fiancée hears some of these conversations and initially felt pretty hurt, believing that my coworkers would hate/judge her if they knew the truth about her. And she’s probably right. She swallows her pride and doesn’t engage in the conversation so as to not jeopardize my work relationships, and she says she doesn’t mind, but it bothers me that I have to ask her to do that. One of the reasons I fell in love with her in the first place was how fearless she was about expressing her opinions, especially when she’s the black sheep of the group.
My instinct is to stand up for her, and foster a sense of mutual respect for people with differing political opinions, but I’m unsure how to navigate these discussions without creating discomfort or tension. My boss would certainly not treat her (or me, perhaps) the same if she knew. How can I advocate for my fiancée and her right to her political beliefs while also maintaining a positive work environment? I want to find a way to encourage open dialogue without risking my relationships at work, while protecting my fiancées integrity and not feeling like I’m forcing her not to voice her opinions. But to be honest, it feels like it would be a losing battle. Is it worth it to say something next time a remark is made? Or should I just let it slide and not engage with the remarks directly, and hope my fiancée will understand?
— Leigh; Age 28; Philadelphia, PA