Crying "We're In The Handmaid's Tale" To A Woman Who's Seen Far Worse | Advice for Black Sheep
When hysterical people steamroll over your reality.
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Dear Reid,
I’m an opinion journalist and ghostwriter who focuses on Middle Eastern foreign policy. The nature of my work heavily influenced my decision to vote for Donald Trump. I have access to national security information unavailable to the public, particularly when it directly affects the person I write for, who is frequently targeted by a foreign country that views this person as a threat. During Biden’s presidency, the threats against her increased almost 10-fold, which directly impacted my safety and security, as I frequently work in person alongside my boss. All of this to say I was pretty much a single-issue voter this past election cycle. My family's safety and security come first, regardless of what I think about Trump’s other characteristics or policy positions.
Last week, a family member of my fiancées was very upset about Trump’s reelection and said we are living in The Handmaid's Tale, a TV show adaptation based on Margaret Atwood's dystopian novel about a totalitarian patriarchy where women are forced to bear children for leaders. Nothing angers me more than when women in the West make comments like these, as I have a front-row seat to the plight of women in Afghanistan living a reality worse than The Handmaid’s Tale. We have it so good in America and should be thankful and reverent of our freedoms. I’ve interviewed women running underground schools in the country who are risking their lives to oppose the Taliban’s edicts against women and girls’ education. To compare the US to this TV show is a slap in the face of those women. I sat there fuming, but ultimately didn’t say anything. It wouldn’t have changed her mind and would create lasting problems for me with my soon-to-be in-laws.
How do I make peace with the fact that my fiancée’s family members are likely going to say things like this for the next four years? Speaking my mind in this case isn’t really an option—it would cause more problems than it would solve, but I have a hard time letting things like this go. I also don’t have a great poker face.
– Trisha; Age 34; San Francisco, CA
Dear Trisha,
Good for you for voting your conscience to keep yourself, your family, and your boss safe. Feeling like the results of an election will have such a direct impact on your life must be a heavy burden. I completely understand your decision, but I think this situation is less about the family member than you think.
The work you do sounds fascinating, but also incredibly difficult. You might underestimate how having a front-row seat to the brutality women in Afghanistan face can take a toll on a person. So while it makes complete sense why her family member’s comment made you angry,
the best way to make peace with situations like these is to take care of yourself and your mental health first.
We aren’t wired to bear witness to atrocities overseas all day long, 365 days out of the year. Yet, with social media and now your day-to-day work, you’re mired in it more than most. Have you taken a second to breathe and understand that you’re doing the best you can with your skills and talents to help these women, but that it’s not your burden to carry? No amount of women in the West “getting it” will stop the Taliban from doing horrible things to women and stripping them of their rights. I’m sure when the family member made that comment, you saw flashes of the women you’ve spoken to and the experiences they recounted to you. So be angry. Be angry with the Taliban, for the leaders in the West who bungled the Afghanistan withdrawal and put them in this situation—be angry with the people directly responsible. But give the in-laws a break. Remind yourself that their experiences and perspectives are shaped by different contexts, and try to understand their concerns, even if you don’t share them.
And then comes the hard part. Leave work at work. You can’t carry their stories with you into every situation. It will take a toll on you and the people around you. Dr. John Delony has an exercise he recommends to people that I will recommend to you now. Go to Home Depot and buy a cinder block and some duct tape. I know it sounds silly but stay with me. Write on the piece of duct tape “The struggles of the women in Afghanistan” and slap it on that cinder block. Then pick it up and carry it around your house for as long as you can. And when you can’t anymore, set it down—literally and metaphorically.
You have to put those bricks down at the end of every day so you can continue to live a full life free of rage.
Maybe you start a gym ritual at the end of each workday where you do something similar. Run, walk, lift, whatever you choose, to the point that it hurts, then walk away from the session having closed the book on work for the day. You’ll be more present with those you love, judge people for stupid comments a little less, and hopefully sleep a little better knowing that you’re doing all you can in the context you’ve been given. Be proud of yourself, and let others say whatever ignorant comments they want because you’ve made peace with you—and that’s all you can control.
Dear Reid,
I’m a long-time member of a book club that’s been running for over a decade in my small town. We’ve always prided ourselves on tackling complex, meaningful literature, but lately, the club’s taken a different turn. Instead of reading novels or essays, we’ve switched to books about spirituality and alternative healing. I tried to go along with it, but the discussions quickly devolved into bizarre conspiracy theories.